


I'd Live And Die For Moments That We Stole On Begged And Borrowed Time

by neilperrylovebot



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, angsty todd, its another sad one guys!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:29:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28810407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neilperrylovebot/pseuds/neilperrylovebot
Summary: idk guys im just sad listening to evermore
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. How's one to know?

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, goddamn  
> My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand  
> Taking mine, but it's been promised to another  
> Oh, I can't  
> Stop you putting roots in my dreamland  
> My house of stone, your ivy grows  
> And now I'm covered in you
> 
> -ivy, Taylor Swift

Under Todd Anderson’s bed was a box. It wasn’t particularly fancy- made from knotted oak wood with a cast iron hinge and latch. The interior wasn’t fancy either, just sanded wood and felt on the bottom. It was what Todd kept in the box that made it special.  
The first item he had in his box was a small crumpled photograph of him and his older brother Jeffrey. Although they had a complicated, competitive relationship, the Anderson siblings had one specific thing in common: they were both under the jurisdiction of their strict parents. Most of the boys at Welton were sent there by their parents- to be prepped into becoming bankers, entrepreneurs, lawyers, doctors and the likes. It wasn’t like any of them had a choice in the matter, their lives were completely planned out the moment they were born. Todd and his brother had to grow up constantly trying to beat their sibling at everything. It only took 3 years at school for Todd to realise he would never be able to reach the standard that his parents wanted from him. You see, over a decade ago, when he was learning to read words and letters seemed so fall off the page when Todd looked at them. They jumbled up so much that he couldn’t decipher a single letter at times. He didn’t tell his parents of course, they were already ashamed enough that he wasn’t as intelligent as his older brother. Instead, he stumbled through the books he was given, taking hours and hours to try and teach his brain what each letter looked like, how each word formed. He tried for years to copy his brother and receive praise from his parents but every door Todd taught himself to open, his brother had already climbed the stairs onto the next level of achievement. In 1959, Mr and Mrs Anderson decided to send Todd to the same esteemed all-male preparatory school that his brother had just graduated from. Before he left for Welton, Jeffery had pulled Todd aside and given him the photograph. To this day, Todd remembers the exact words that his older brother said: he told him that although Welton was tough, it would make his parents proud, and that he wished him luck. Todd hadn’t seen Jeffrey since that day.  
The second item in the box was a stuffed wolf no bigger than an apple. It was given to him by his grandmother almost a week before she passed away. Some of the fabric was slightly discoloured but Todd treasured it as it reminded him of those precious moments he spent with his grandparents in their log cabin somewhere in Alaska. Those weekends were few and far between, but they provided respite from his parents high expectations for Todd to feel like a normal teenager. He would read, go on hikes in the snow with his grandfather and bake with his grandmother. There used to be an Alaskan Wolf that resided in his grandparents back garden that they nicknamed Shadow, and his grandmother was always careful to leave the trimmings of the meat that they had eaten on Friday night for Shadow to have. When she had fallen ill, Todd was only 12. His family had gone to visit her in the hospital which is where she had given the small toy to him, along with a note.  
Look after Shadow for me.  
She knew his parents would not approve so his grandmother had thoughtfully gifted it to him inside a book. The small gesture made Todd feel elated, so naturally the mini-Shadow had come with him to Hellton- hidden in the book his grandmother gave him. It felt like a small piece of her was always with him, a shadow of her was always next to his heart.  
The last few items that Todd had in his box were the most recent. One was a script for a Shakespeare play that used to belong to the other boy. A Midsummer’s Night Dream, with all of Puck’s lines highlighted. The second was note that was passed to him in class. Todd treasured these two last items like his life depended on it, because it was the only evidence that he had of the others existence. Apart from the hole in his chest obviously. He didn’t like to dwell on either of the two pieces of paper in daylight. Instead, he chose to read them late at night- letting each sob completely overcome his body. He would read the script till his eyes blurred, trace the handwritten notes in the margin with his shaking fingers. Todd never let his tears hit the paper though, for fear that the ink would smudge and the words would be lost forever. It wasn’t just the pieces of paper that Todd treasured, it was the knowledge that the other boy had held it in his hand, had used his own thoughts to transcribe emotion into his acting.


	2. I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bones

The guitar in his hand felt foreign. It used to seem like it was part of the person playing it as if it was an extra arm filled with musical passion. But Todd couldn’t play guitar as he could. Maybe if the other was still here, he might have found the motivation to play. Maybe if he was here he could play for Todd. But he wasn’t. So he can’t.  
The boy sat on the bed that had become his own after that day in December. He sat there, thinking of the other, just thinking. His fingers lightly plucked the cold strings on the guitar, but no sound came from them. Because Todd was listening to something else. He was listening to the voice in his head gently singing. Singing in a voice that he would never hear again. Outside the window, the barren trees were beginning to blossom. Spring. Pink and white and yellow petals filled the air and swallowed away the blue of the sky. The grass was relishing in the sun and had begun to paint the ground lush green along with sprouts of white daisies and shallow clover beds. It was beautiful, especially the ice on the lake slowly melting to reveal crystal clear waters. The dock was not yet swept of blossom so there was a thin carpet of pastel covering the planks.   
Everything about the environment Todd was in beckoned him forth, gave him hope for the future. In his eyes though, the sky was cloudy. His vision was clouded most days, both physically and mentally. It was like there was a frosted glass screen between him and the rest of the world. Todd felt completely ostracized. So he stayed in his small dormitory room, bathing in the smell of the other that wafted around his nose. He wasn’t completely sure where the smell came from, but it was such a comfort to him. The smell was like a warm blanket, and it always kept his feet warm. He didn’t need to kick it or stretch it. It covered him perfectly and for that Todd was eternally grateful. And he wasn’t stupid, he understood that after a while the smell would fade resulting in Todd adjusting his life to make the most of the time he had left; something he wasn’t able to do with the other while they were together.  
Hours seemed to drag along these days. He tried going to class but was horribly unfocused and emotional. Any simple task was amplified in his head, bursting through his thoughts, making it impossible to remember his name let alone a table of conjugated Latin verbs. Much to Todd’s surprise, however, his teachers had given him leeway; 2 weeks of time to grieve. According to Nolan, this was more than enough time to “Get over it”. He was allowed to study in his dormitory and assignments were brought up to his room by Charlie and Meeks. It meant that Todd was allowed to wallow in his mind, for the time being, let the days slowly drudge by, and get through the next few weeks. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so difficult if he was in a different room, maybe then he could begin to imagine a life without the other- perhaps even begin to move on.   
Easier said than done though, in truth Todd felt completely hopeless. He couldn’t see himself ever moving on, and life seemed to have just slowed to a halt.


End file.
